A Comedic Step-by-Step of “Car Guy” Logic — Zip Ties, Tape, and Denial
Welcome to Chenaraa.com, where the check engine light is more of a suggestion and every strange noise is “probably nothing.” Today we’re diving into the sacred art of fixing your car without actually fixing anything. If you’re broke, lazy, or just emotionally attached to that worn-out hunk of bolts, this one’s for you.
Because real mechanics use tools. We use hope.
Step 1: Diagnose It With Your Ears and Vague Confidence
Hear a weird clunk from the front end? That’s not a suspension problem — that’s “just the road.”
Got smoke coming from under the hood? Normal. Probably condensation. Or vibes.
You don’t need an OBD scanner when you’ve got gut instinct and a friend who “used to work at a dealership one summer.”
Bonus Tip: If your passenger says, “Is that sound normal?” just say,
“It’s always done that.”
Step 2: Use Zip Ties Until the Car Becomes One
If it moves and it shouldn’t? Zip tie it.
If it doesn’t move but needs to? More zip ties.
Your bumper hanging off? Tie it up like you’re gift-wrapping trauma.
They say duct tape can fix anything. Wrong. Zip ties are the backbone of the broke car guy economy.
Step 3: Electrical Tape the Dashboard Like a Discount Christmas Tree
Flickering lights? Electrical gremlins?
Just wrap everything in electrical tape until the problem goes away.
(Or until the dash shorts out entirely. Whichever comes first.)
And remember: exposed wires are just opportunities for sparks of character.
Step 4: Eliminate the Symptom, Not the Problem
Check engine light on?
Just pull the battery terminal for 30 seconds.
Boom. Fixed.
Suspension clunking? Turn the radio up.
Wiper motor dead? RainX.
AC doesn’t work? Roll down the window and pretend you like nature.
If you can’t hear it, feel it, or see it anymore — is it really still a problem?
Step 5: Strategic Denial
Someone says your car smells like gas?
“Nah that’s just the old-school fuel system.”
They say your tire is bald?
“It’s got performance wear.”
They hear grinding when you brake?
“It’s supposed to sound sporty.”
You are not ignoring issues — you are just choosing your battles. Like a philosopher. A monk. A broke monk with a leaky head gasket.
Step 6: Cosmetic Distraction
If the car looks cool, nobody’s gonna care that it’s falling apart inside.
Slap on a decal.
Underglow.
Maybe a spoiler that serves no aerodynamic purpose whatsoever.
Your rear bumper is zip tied to your dreams, but at least you’ve got aftermarket confidence.
Step 7: Perform the Ritual Burnout
Sometimes the best way to silence a noise is to smoke the tires until the noise goes away (or explodes).
Is it responsible? No.
Is it effective? Also no.
But do you feel better? Absolutely.
Final Thoughts: If It Starts, It’s Fixed
Your car doesn’t need to be right, it just needs to be running.
Reliability is a mindset.
Function is a suggestion.
And zip ties are love.
So go out there, car guy, and keep your barely-holding-it-together ride on the road with nothing but tape, trust, and a prayer to the gods of internal combustion.
And when it does finally die, just remember:
“It was driving fine yesterday.”
