We’ve all been there—scrolling through Facebook Marketplace at 2 a.m., hunting for that elusive “clean title” car that doesn’t scream tetanus. But let’s face it: half of these ads sound like they were written by a sleep-deprived raccoon who just learned to type.
So, to help you navigate the confusing jungle of car ads (and avoid buying a rolling pile of heartbreak), we’ve translated the most common phrases into actual human language. You’re welcome.
“Runs and drives”
Translation: It moves. Barely. Like your motivation on a Monday morning.
This phrase is code for “It technically moves forward under its own power, but don’t ask for details.” Expect weird noises, a mystery smell, and zero confidence.
“Just needs TLC”
Translation: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
This car has seen things. Horrible things. You’ll need tools, time, and therapy. “TLC” stands for “Thousands in Labor and Cash.”
“Mechanic’s special”
Translation: Please tow it. Please.
Even your cousin with a socket set will walk away from this one. This is not a car—it’s a group project for the entire faculty of an automotive college.
“No lowballers, I know what I got”
Translation: I Googled the wrong car and now think mine is worth Bugatti money.
They’re asking $4,800 for a rusted-out Civic with three different colored doors and the aura of disappointment. Prepare to be ghosted when you offer $2,000.
“Needs minor work to be perfect”
Translation: Major organs are missing.
This could mean a dead transmission, 7 warning lights, and a check engine light that’s been on so long it’s considered part of the interior ambience.
“Straight piped for performance”
Translation: Loud for no reason.
It’s not faster. It just screams like a banshee when you start it. Neighbors will hate you. Police will love you.
“Perfect winter beater”
Translation: Structurally held together by rust and bad decisions.
May or may not have heat. May or may not have brakes. Probably smells like regret and gas. Still kinda fun though.
“Was going to fix it but lost interest”
Translation: I gave up after realizing duct tape isn’t a long-term solution.
This one sat for 14 months on jack stands. The seller watched two YouTube videos and called it a build. You’re inheriting the dream—and the mess.
“Don’t waste my time”
Translation: Seller has already been ghosted 46 times today.
Approach with caution. Say one wrong thing and they’ll block you like a defensive lineman. Also, they might waste your time instead.
“Price is firm”
Translation: Seller is emotionally attached to this bucket.
You could offer full price, and they still won’t reply. The car’s been listed for six months, but they’re “not in a rush to sell.” Clearly.
BONUS: “No safety. As-is.”
Translation: It’s a trap.
This is Facebook Marketplace’s version of “enter at your own risk.” You’ll need a tow truck, a priest, and a certified mechanic just to survive the first test drive.
Final Thoughts
If car ads were honest, they’d come with therapy coupons and tetanus shots. But that would ruin the fun, wouldn’t it? So next time you scroll through Marketplace and see a “project car” with duct tape racing stripes, just remember—you’re not alone. We’re all out here trying to turn $2,000 into a personality.
And if you do buy something sketchy, don’t forget to tell us about it. We’ll laugh with you. Not at you. (Okay, a little at you.)
Liked this post? Share it with your gearhead friends or that cousin who thinks he can fix any car with zip ties.
Visit Chenaraa.com for more tales from the underside of the car world.
